I am going to begin this entry with a confession. I have had a serious sense of grandiosity throughout most of my life. I'm not going to project and say that many, or even most, people do this because that wouldn't really be a confession. I doubt that whenever people ask for forgiveness of their sins from a Priest that they bring up others' sins also? That wouldn't really constitute a confession. A real confession means being completely honest with yourself and your shortcomings. So here is mine. I have had a serious sense of grandiosity throughout most of my life. I have pretty much always felt as though I was special and going to do something that other people would admire me for. I have spent many hours daydreaming about myself living this type of fantasy. I have imagined myself as the main character of countless movies. You know the kind. The character who is a little awkward around others but is in actuality destined for greatness. They have, of course, always had this greatness within them. They were always on the path towards it. It was just other people who did not recognize it. But the end of the movie always results in this eventual realization from everyone.

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Maybe this is a result of being the designated 'golden child' of my family. A title sarcastically given to me by my extended family because I was slightly precocious when it came to mathematics and other school subjects. They would joke around, at least I presume they were joking, that I was going to be the one to bring the family riches. It's a simple joke and I recognize this, but I wonder if it might have had an influence on my own grandiose daydreams. Hmm, maybe. Anyway, I have long had quite the obsession with being revered. Being the guy on stage shredding the guitar solo in front of thousands. Being the guy who scores the winning point, try, touchdown, basket, knockout, etc. in the final game. Being the one who comes up with the next society-changing concept. The pattern is quite obvious. I have never really cared about being filthy rich, I actually oppose the idea. The concept of fame terrifies me. Not being able to live a normal life without constantly being interrupted by people who want an autograph or picture. No thanks. The reason for my daydreaming is clearly being widely revered by others. It's quite ironic that I'm not very good at receiving compliments.

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Fortunately, I have mostly come to terms with the growing reality that I may not be destined for the main character path after all. How did I come to be comfortable with it? By asking why of course. I began to honestly ask myself why it was that I would daydream about living this type of life. What was it about that life that I wanted? Did I actually want it at all? I'm not so sure. I have great admiration for people who can dedicate their whole lives to their craft and breed amazing results from it. And yes, I do believe that that is a purposeful way to live. But the truth is I never really found anything that I enjoyed enough or felt enough passion to dedicate my whole life to it. Maybe I never came across my true calling, or maybe I am still just yet to find it. But anytime spent thinking under that assumption is time wasted. It's not going to do anything good for me. In all likelihood it would have the opposite effect. And so if I never found any passion deep enough to dedicate my life to it then what do/did I want? Commit my life to something I don't really enjoy all that much? No chance. Have I felt some sort of entitlement to that type of life? Have I thought that the peak of the mountain was where I belonged without ever bothering to climb up there? Very possible. But no longer.

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Based on what I have imagined, the factor of these lives that attracted me was the admiration of others. None of the dreams ever revolved around the type of story where the character's greatness is never discovered. They always included the moment of realization by everyone else. But why do I want that? Why do I want other people to regard me in a high manner? Why do I value their opinion so greatly? Do I actually value it? Most people would probably describe me as the type of individual who does not pay much attention to the opinions of others, and I would agree with them. I usually don't. However, I have also been accused more than once of thinking that I'm smarter than everyone else. I don't particularly agree with this diagnosis. I would agree that I am fairly bright but by no means do I think I am smarter than those around me. But if multiple people have said the same thing then it must be based on something. Golden child syndrome.

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By taking the time to consider the true motives of my own grandiosity I have come to the realization that I don't really want the life being lived in my imagination. I might want the occasional crowd cheer or nice review, but I do not want everything else that comes with that life. I prefer the smaller details of life. Being in the crowd for a concert instead of an stage. Being able to watch the heavyweight title fight, instead of taking the uppercut. Being able to explore new places without being harassed by the locals due to fame. It does not surprise me to see how much many celebrities dread their fame and fortune. It complicates things. The grass is always greener I suppose. But if both sides see the grass as being greener on the other side, doesn't that mean that both sides have at least decent grass? Maybe it's the increased blur of looking into the distance at the other side of the fence. You can't notice the grimey details like on your own side. But those details are what make your side YOUR side. When you spend some time trying to admire those pieces, you finally realize that your side wasn't so bad after all.